After a particularly challenging meeting, a colleague asks how you are. Despite feeling anxious and frustrated, you confidently say you're fine, push down your feelings, and get on with your day.

As a one-off, it’s understandable. But maybe you routinely gloss over how you’re feeling to maintain an air of 'professionalism', ensure others believe you can 'hack it', or avoid making others uncomfortable. You believe that sharing 'negative' aspects of yourself could make you seem less capable.

We all want to be viewed positively and engage in 'impression management' to influence others' perceptions. Simplifying or downplaying difficult aspects of a situation or yourself to make it more socially acceptable is sometimes called 'glossing', it´s part of the emotional labor we all do to manage our emotions outwardly to meet the demands of our roles.

Applying your Layers

Glossing is like adding layers of varnish until you can no longer see the true colour and grain of the wood below. How and when those layers are added varies for everyone. I spent years in corporate environments feeling the need to be polished in order to fit in and access opportunities. being an 80s & 90´s kid, when you didn´t have feelings and you kept quiet about your problems and fixed them yourself didn´t help.

I became self-sufficient but horrible at admitting when things weren't going well. After injuring my lower spine, it took me six weeks to admit I couldn’t work and needed time off because I was scared of seeming 'weak' or 'uncommitted'.

Minimising your feelings constantly can take a toll on your mental well-being. The pressure to maintain a facade of perfection can erode self-esteem and authenticity, leading to a disconnect between the real you and the projected image. Pretending everything is fine is exhausting! Researchers in impression management (managing how others see us), emotional labor and burnout have all found that glossing over parts of ourselves leads to more stress, anxiety and depression.

The Personal Impact

Take Emma, for instance, at the office, she's all smiles, smoothing over any bumps and never sharing her true feelings. But she's drowning in stress and scared to ask for help because that would mean admitting she's not got it all together. Relate?

Over time, minimising difficult feelings becomes second nature. Whenever you face challenges—self-doubt, work struggles, or relationship issues—you polish them up, making it all look easier than it is. But over time it gnaws at you. It reduces your connection to others, hinders emotional processing, and potentially denies you better self-awareness, feeding a cycle of avoidance and emotional suppression.

Excessive perception management can lead to a disconnect between your public self and private struggles, this cognitive dissonance can lead to disconnection, feelings of isolation and a diminished sense of self-worth. It can also hinder personal development by glossing over your areas for growth.

The Leadership Impact

Can you think of someone you work with who always gets the opportunities and promotions, seems to know everyone, and glides along effortlessly? Did you fully trust them?

There might be benefits for individuals highly skilled at glossing, as navigating social dynamics more easily could increase opportunities at work.

However, this material success comes at a psychological and social cost.

The pressure to maintain that polished image can create a culture of inauthenticity, breaking down trust in their leadership and undermining collaboration. Typically workplaces where glossing is the norm aren't as innovative or productive. Which isn´t surprising if everyone is concerned about how they are perceived instead of what they are doing.

You Don’t Have to Share Everything

There may always be particular people or situations in which you feel safer glossing over the hard parts, and that´s ok. Particularly for women, Black and Asian people, LGBTQ folx or in fact anyone whose identity sits outside the ´norms´ that most workplaces were designed for, at times glossing can be a necessity.

The paradox of glossing lies in its dual nature - in the short term it offers protection against vulnerability and social scrutiny, but also imposes constraints on authenticity and genuine connection which can hurt you. Recognising and navigating this paradox can be hard, and only you can work out what feels right for you.

It will take practice, but the feeling of expansion when you realise you can just drop the facade is incredible.

Removing the Layers

It can be a slow process, over years to get to a place where you no longer default to glossy you but are more open, here are some places to start.

Start with you.

1. Self Awareness is key.

   Recognise when you’re glossing, with whom, and around what topics. Hint - It feels restrictive, like there are guardrails up.

   I now work almost exclusively with people whom I feel safe being myself with, but occasionally, I still get on a call or meeting and realise 'professional' Caroline is speaking. It’s mostly when I am tired or nervous. I refer to this as my ´Corporate Gremlin´ because seeing it as something separate from me is helpful for me in dropping it. I also know myself well enough to trust when I feel like I´m safer keeping the mask on.

2. Drop the Gloss

   If it’s something you struggle with, start small. Admit you had a tough weekend, you’re a little tired, or that you haven’t yet worked out how to approach a challenge. This isn´t about sharing your deepest secrets and fears - it is just about building stronger, more authentic relationships.

A warning - You might experience a 'vulnerability hangover'—a sense of shame or discomfort afterwards. This is normal. Pay attention to whether it’s discomfort and fear from something new or a genuine warning sign.

For Leaders

I hear from some senior leaders that they believe sharing personal things might be 'unprofessional'. At the extremes, particularly for women, they fear being perceived as 'more human' might impact their chances of progression.

One avenue for mitigating the negative impact of glossing is creating environments of psychological safety and authenticity. By creating spaces where individuals feel empowered to express themselves without fear of judgment, organisations can dismantle the need for glossing as a defence mechanism so that people can use that mental energy for better things.

How do you do this? Start by ensuring you’re being authentic when you can - go back to step 1 above.

If this resonates and you´d like to discuss it further I´d love to hear from you.

References & Resources

Brotheridge, C. M., & Grandey, A. A. (2002). Emotional labor and burnout: Comparing two perspectives of "people work". Journal of Applied Psychology, 87(1), 55-64

Carmeli, A., Brueller, D., & Dutton, J. E. (2009). Learning behaviours in the workplace: The role of high-quality interpersonal relationships and psychological safety. Systems Research and Behavioral Science: The Official Journal of the International Federation for Systems Research, 26(1), 81-98.

David, S. (2016, September 8). Managing the hidden stress of emotional labor. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2016/09/managing-the-hidden-stress-of-emotional-labor

Deborah Son Holoien, Susan T. Fiske. (2013) Downplaying positive impressions: Compensation between warmth and competence in impression management. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Volume 49, Issue 1, 33-41,

Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383.

Grandey, A. A., & Gabriel, A. S. (2015). Emotional labor at a crossroads: Where do we go from here? Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 2, 323-349.

Leary, M. R., & Kowalski, R. M. (1990). Impression management: A literature review and two-component model. Psychological Bulletin, 107(1), 34–47.

Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout. In G. Fink (Ed.), Stress: Concepts, Cognition, Emotion, and Behavior (pp. 351-357). Academic Press.